onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
