They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
