I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I need to align my fucking chakras
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
