My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
