I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
