what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
