sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
