Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize