Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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