"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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