My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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