I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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