I will die if light touches me.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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