I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
