Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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