The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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