we made out on top of his cat.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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