My liver just broke up with me...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
