I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
