I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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