my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
