Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Vodka?
Forever.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
