mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
