Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
