Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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