Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Are my feet made of real feet?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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