so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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