I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
