I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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