I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
