Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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