STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
