why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
