He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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