update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
