Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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