I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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