I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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