I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
