I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
