You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
