Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
