im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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