if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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