Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
