So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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