DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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