She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
