Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
