apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
