you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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