Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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