One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
