So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Found your dick twin last night
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
