the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
