and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
