Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
