im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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