Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
