We're facebook friends in real life
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
